Wednesday, 15 August 2012

The middle of the night

There is something primeval about the middle of the night.  Total blackness.  A heightened awareness of sound, with the wind tipping the leaves on their backs as it rips through the branches and the leaves protest.  The sound of  the rain slamming into the ground, unheeded.  For some strange reason I want to be out in it.  Part of it.

3 a.m. is not a good time to be creative.  My brain is somnolent but my body is still refusing to start healing as it is meant to do and my breathing not relaxed so sleep evades me.  Emotions rule your body in the middle of the night.  There is no balance of rationality.  Just a glimmer of light would bring perspective, but that prospect is hours away yet. 

I just want everything to be right again, for whatever is blocking all progress in our lives right now to be miraculously lifted and for plans to succeed, illness to recede, worries to be eased and hope to return.  I have no heart to do anything.  My routines are out of the window.  One step forward has now fallen back two steps.  This time last week I was back to walking and I can't believe that a few hot humid days have knocked me sideways so much.  I no longer have any faith in my Doctor.  It is not a good position to be in.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better.  It is, as Scarlett O'Hara once famously remarked, another day . . .


  1. Dear Friend, the middle of the night is indeed a desparate time. Somehow, if the wind is howling and it is pitch dark, we feel beset by all manner of things--the ills and fears we can name--and the ones we can't.
    Can it be that your doctor has prescribed such a battery of anti-biotics that your system is in rebellion?
    It is such a head-banger when one so needs rest and is kept awake instead. Such nights bring on an embattled sense of helpless doom and gloom.
    For what it may be worth--I'll send up a prayer or two in your behalf--right now!

  2. Not sure I have the right to say anything to you as I have only been reading your blog for a short time.
    The night can be strange but I have been friends with the night ever since I can remember. It is when I did all my schoolwork and artwork. I still do my best work very late at night. I love the stillness.
    Like you I have many health problems that are not getting any better
    and when I do wake in the dark and in pain, all the fears of the day that we can deal with come flooding in with no filter. It is indeed a very emotional time.
    I know first hand what any meds can do to mess up your system.
    I remember you have been on several rounds of anti-biotics, they can destroy as much as help. Has it been rainy and damp where you live with no summer ? this might be adding to the problem.

    I am sorry you are so sick and hope that somehow things will be better soon.

    I love your dragon clouds in your header today.
    cheers, parsnip

  3. Thank you both so much. I am stupidly sat here with tears in my eyes because you both cared enough to write straight away. That's what lack of sleep does for you!

    Parnsip - I am sorry that you have been ill too. I am on yet another round of anti-biotics because I am coughing up gunk of the wrong colour yet again. I would love not to have to keep having more medicine. In fact, I downright refuse to take the pills prescribed by the doc last week - partly because I think they are not the appropriate treatment, especially AT THIS TIME, because nothing seems to be working, since my asthma being out of control is partly down to anxiety. I have been trying to give my body time to kick in and respond, which it has up to a point, but I daren't let this infection get too comfy. We have had a damp rainy no-summer too.

    Yes, they are Dragon Clouds aren't they? Or a golden Uffington White Horse!

    MM - I have to say, I think your prayers must have worked as I have twigged just WHY my medications aren't helping - the Ventolin inhaler was on its last gasp and is now empty . . . It has obviously been close to empty all over the weekend, hence my being worse. I had a spare inhaler downstairs, two years out of date, but beggars can't be choosers. It is one of the outmoded ones with CFCs in and worked even better than the current spineless ones. My asthma was perfectly controlled until "they" decreed that ALL CFCs were contributing to Global Warming (which I don't believe in anyway - let's say it's the Archaeologist in me - I suppose the end of the Ice Age was Global Warming too - probably caused by increased ruminant fa*ts!!!) Anyway, the Beclotide inhaler which had worked for about 45 years was dumped and current ones do not work anything like as effectively.

    As Parsnip said, I think too much medication is bad. I inhaled Thyme Oil again in the night (a few drops in a sink of very hot water really helps). My poor body is in rebellion, though today it doesn't have the energy to even do that.

    Anyway, the cats are on the case, and their sort of healing helps . . .

  4. Sorry 45 years should read 35 years . . . Think I first went on it about 1974.

  5. What a fabulous photo! You're so right about everything looker blacker in the middle of the night, I'm just the same, I worry about things in the middle of the night that I wouldn't give a second thought to during the day. I'm inclined to agree about too much medication being a bad thing - any chance of changing your doctor or seeing a different one in the same practice? Hope you start feeling better and sleeping better soon.

  6. I just had a course of IV antibiotics, followed by oral anti biotics. I feel just as you describe, like a wrung out cloth. I am forced to accept that it will take a long time to bounce back.

    I'm sad you are feeling so low, worried and sick xx

  7. Rowan - as soon as my Specialist's appointment comes through, I am changing back to my original Doctors in Carmarthen as I have absolutely no faith in my current GP any more. I am better now it's daylight and I have a functioning Ventolin inhaler once more (it ran out last night). I wish they'd put a number of doses left counter on them like my Seretide inhaler has.

    Kath - I am so sorry to hear you have been so poorly too. But you are sensible and have kept it to yourself. I hope you are soon on the mend. Everything (for me) seems far worse in the middle of the night.

  8. So sorry to read that you are not on the mend.

    My husband's repeated severe asthma attacks ended when we removed our pets from the house. It turned out he was allergic to them.

  9. See another Doctor as soon as possible,I was treated for panic attacks and ME for two years !! but what I really had was asthma and a serious heart problem.When I saw another GP at our practice he diagnosed my heart problem in two minutes,but because it had gone on so long my heart muscle had become thickened.Don't wait,I wish you the best of everything in your recovery.