Well, it's 6.50 and I should be at Tretower Court right now, listening to a talk on the Welsh Halloween by Prof. Ronald Hutton. Clearly, as I am at my computer, I am NOT. I set off and got as far as Talgarth, only to find that the A479 route to Tretower through the Black Mountains was shut, and the diversion I would have to take was via Brecon. I would have been hopelessly late, so I turned round and went home. That's £15 down the drain . . . and I was really looking forward to it. Ah well, the ex-friend may well have been there, so I suppose at least I avoided that encounter.
As I was driving home, and it was getting dark, I was dreading the after-dark driving to and from the Fair I am doing next month (back in Carms). I have been feeling quite low today and tbh, starting to dread doing the Fair. This stems from sleeping badly and from being on my own. It has a knock-on effect on my confidence too. I persuade myself that I can't do things.
Yesterday I felt "off" and just wanted to sleep on the sofa, but no sooner had I begun to rest, I heard what I thought was a chainsaw close by. No, not a chainsaw, but the chap who does my garden come with the brush strimmer to sort out the long grass and young trees in the orchard and bottom triangle. After that, I had him tapping on the window and on the door, asking what needed doing and to come and check what he'd done. So much for resting. Last night, although Alfie woke me at 4 a.m. to be let out, I actually slept (fitfully in parts) for 11 hours. Not that it helped my positivity. I know that the upsetting text I had is still really weighing heavy on my mind. I hope the weekend's meeting will sort things out.
Right, time to see if I can find one of Prof. Hutton's witchy/fairy talks on Youtube by way of compensation. UPDATE: Crikey, that was a mistake. Got myself thoroughly spooked after he told of his experience with what may well have been the Irish Leannan Sidhe (bad fairy). Going up to bed with a torch, for fear there might be a power cut!
Somehow, I missed the 'ex-friend' part. That's an awful thing though, a falling out between friends. When it happens to me, it is something that I agonize over for a long time. I always feel as if it's entirely my fault, even though, of course, it is rarely so one sided. Still, I fret about it. I am sorry that you missed an evening out. It sounded like an interesting topic.
ReplyDeleteAh, the ex-friend bit was over a year ago now. We had been friends for about 25 years, I stayed with her, gone lovely places with her etc and thought she was a lifelong friend. Then as Keith's illness progressed, she began to pick on me on the forum (hers) we were on. Just a few of us on there (that's a long story - there were lots more at one time). She made pointed remarks, some hurtful ones, and seemed to be trying to drive me off, and eventually succeeded. It seemed to be down to my getting sympathy from the others on there - more attention than her perhaps . . . It's hard to know what makes people tick, but all of a sudden she no longer deemed me as a friend.
DeleteWhat a very strange time to get jealous. My gosh. I hate to say it, but she sounds self centered.
DeleteWell yes. All I know is I lost the support of our little band of friends just when I needed it most, but two other ladies (also friends for life) have supported me outside the group.
DeleteI missed about the upsetting text and ex friend? Too bad you missed the spooky lecture.
ReplyDeleteI always am so happy to see friends and family, to get out and enjoy life [post covid/ ongoing poor health]--but like you I do often feel low, even very sad, once the house is empty again. I try to make a to do list and carry on. Today is make a Halloween bracelet for a little friend--and maybe for me? and some hand sewing on the hot sunny deck. Hope you get the rest you need.
love
lizzy
Ex-friend - see above comment to Debby. Upsetting text I don't want to air in public, but it involved someone I thought of as one of the family.
DeleteI am going to see Tam and Rosie tomorrow, so that will cheer me up. I have been keeping on with bits of crafting and unpicking and piecing properly the mistakes I made in Gabby's quilt when I was so stressed and anxious about Keith's health.
Well we are finally moving tomorrow (fingers crossed), I'm really looking forward to our new adventure and being nearer to family. Fed up with being surrounded by boxes, and although I've written on them, hope they get put in the right rooms. Sheva cat is not impressed at all, but hope she settles in her new castle. Hope you (and me) get a decent night's sleep. Hugs Xx
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hoping it all goes smoothly and to plan and Sheva isn't too cross with you taking her to your new home! Mine hated being in their cat carriers for the 55 miles here from the old house.
DeleteSo sorry you are feeling down and upset. You have a wonderful day visiting with family tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
It will cheer me up for sure. Makes me feel good to be able to help Tam anyway. She has struggled to do anything with Rosie sleeping so badly and being fractious in the day, not wanting to be left to play even for a minute.
DeleteThat's too bad that you missed the lecture. I think you are very capable, although I do understand how lack of sleep and having to cope with so much alone can wear one's confidence down. I hope the weekend goes better.
ReplyDeleteWell, it clearly wasn't to be. I can follow his many Youtube videos. He really knows his stuff. Not in a good place in my head right now. 3.30 a.m. and up again, this time worrying way into the future - if I am ever hospitalised, it will be 100 mile each way trip for Tam to visit me. Not far from that for Danny too and Gabby slightly nearer. Guess I may have to think about moving nearer one of them, though I don't want to move.
DeleteSo sorry you didn't get your night out. I hope you were able to get to sleep after watching the scary stuff. How selfish of the person sending you upsetting texts while you are coping with your bereavment. He/she might just have to become another ex. I tried to establish some ground rules with a friend of long standing in an effort to save our friendship but she was having none of it so now she is an ex. It was a huge effort on my part and I definitely didn't need the upset and neither do you!!! Be kind to yourself. I'm sure you are finding it helps.
ReplyDeleteYes, I slept but had been so tired I went to bed at 9 and of course, 5 hours later I was tossing and turning. Sod's law. The relationship of the person sending the text makes for very difficult negotiations. . . I was kind to myself at the Quilting Fair last week - that will last me a while :)
Deletesorry you were disappointed but maybe providence intervened? If the YT talk spooked you, imagine driving back in the dark had the live talk gone in the same direction!
ReplyDeleteWell, I didn't fancy going along the lanes via Llangorse and would still have been late. I think his talk was probably along spooky lines too (Adults Only allowed in!) Gosh, he can tell a good tale !
DeleteWhen you are on your own, things can spook you. Driving back probably would have been ok but let's say I don't think I will ever walk in the dark without a torch in future . . .
ReplyDeleteWhat a shame you had to miss the talk - road closures are a thing round here too.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about the text message hope you can sort it.
It was persuading myself that I couldn't cope with things that made me move from the cottage - now I know I could and regret moving. Taken me 6 years after Col's death to know what I can cope with.
Texts are NOT the way to discuss what needed to be discussed. It was far too personal a matter and I remain deeply hurt and disturbed.
DeleteWhat a shame you moved from the cottage because you talked yourself out of living there. I don't want to leave here - I would find it very difficult to find another house to match it on dimensions, views and handy for town despite being out in the country.
It is the time of year for spookiness I have a talk on Saturday just round the corner which is just right. Ronald Hutton can always be found at Gresham College giving long talks, he is eminently sensible.
ReplyDeleteAs for negativity in others, I always think to myself it is their problem not mine.
Ah yes, the negativity in both cases was the other person's problem, but they dealt with it by laying their problem at my door and blaming me. Since neither person allowed me a right of reply (and defence) it has been all the more frustrating.
DeleteI have a great deal of respect for Ronald Hutton - he certainly knows his stuff.
Thanks for the info on the A479. We had intended to go to our caravan but our dog has developed a problem which is going to cost around 1500 quid to get sorted, poor little fellow is 13 and we don't like to see him suffering so it will be a few weeks before he can enjoy a walk around the lake at the campsite again. Any idea why the road was closed, unless it is road subsidence going up the hill from Talgarth.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about your dog. His treatment certainly isn't going to be a cheap solution but I hope makes his final years happy and comfortable. "Cyclic maintenance" is the reason given . . .
DeleteJust a quick hello BB while I come down to earth after our holiday. (We came home Tuesday evening and I still don’t feel as if my feet have touched earth.) We will find out shortly if the chancellor is going to remove IHT exemption from our pension pots but if she does not and the status quo remains the same I think you could be better off long term keeping Keith’s lump sum pension within a pension wrapper where it will continue to grow until you NEED it. Always spend your savings first is the advice. Also I think it could be an idea to ask your GP to refer you for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) to get these horrid worries you are experiencing into perspective. S has been referred by our GP and it’s proving an excellent tool to write down and record how he is feeling and every week he has been having a phone chat with a young woman therapist which he is thoroughly enjoying (being an experimental psychologist by training. He has a degree in Experimental Pyschology from Oxford!). You may not need CBT if you are good at writing things down anyway. I have kept a paper journal since 1972 (a small cream Lett’s diary) and for me writing down my worries and fears now I am in my mid-60s and seeing them in black and white and realising that mostly they are just feelings that come and go helps me to process them and then let them go. Of course they come back, but every time I am able to let them go it becomes easier. Please understand I am not trivialising your worries in any way. They are completely valid and understandable but you cannot allow them to take over your head and well-being and dominate your day to day living. Here endeth today’s lesson. Talking of which our local well-being cafe is run by the Baptist church (Angela of Tracing Rainbows is a baptist minister I think) and at the end of every session when we’ve finished our chair yoga we have a short well-being chat led by Judith and that really does warm my heart. Yesterday S and I had two games of competitive table tennis. He was doing the scoring and I was counting the strokes in each rally and we were on fire. We also played Quirkle again - a multi dimensional game that is played by colour, shape and number and quite mentally challenging when played tactically. All these activities help take his mind off how he is ‘feeling’ and help me too, especially when the tea and homemade apple muffins come round! Finally one simple thing I really enjoy doing in yoga relaxation is to make space between my scalp and my skull. Try it when you are lying down at bedtime. For me it lightens my mood, gives me a warm fizzy feeling and helps me to relax and thus sleep. Sending my best wishes and love as always. Sarah x
ReplyDeleteMost of it will go in ISA's and can hopefully stay there for a goodly while. If I see a GP it will NOT be the one I am registered with locally, but one of the other GPs in the practice. I have no time for her at all with her care of Keith. CBT might well help me. I have dealt with ex-friend (wouldn't cross the road to spit on her if she was on fire) and hopefully the other situation will soon be sorted, one way or the other. I no longer have Keith here to tell me not to be so blardy silly and to give me his measured opinion on situations. (Ha - Keith on ex-friend: "I never liked her anyway!") The other situation has exacerbated deep feelings of guilt I already had and was finding hard to resolve. Having my nose rubbed greatly in them has felt like being hit with a cricket bat and not being able to run away from.
DeleteQuirkle looks fun (but not much good playing on my own! I will stick to the brain-killer of a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle I found upstairs and playing Solitaire and Bubble Shooter.
Meditation is good, I know, but right now I cannot relax enough for it. Thank you for your kind and helpful words though. I hope you both benefitted from your holiday.
An upsetting communication can cancel out all the lovely ones.
ReplyDeleteWhen it happens to me I repeat: "One day at a time, each day a mini triumph'
My sister said this to me years ago when I was going through a tough time.
It focuses the attention back on your own achievements ( and you have so many to be proud of in the last few weeks ) and away from the, quite frankly, appalling lack of common humanity shown by your ex-friend.
But I know, none of this is easy at 3am!
I was starting to cope reasonably well, then this. I will try and remember "one day at a time, each day a mini triumph". My mini triumph today was going over to Tam's and helping in the garden, another problem area cleared and some clippings which had been abandoned on the front lawn area removed to the back to be chipped and taken to the Tip.
DeleteI struggled for a long time over the ex-friend's attitude, but managed by telling myself it was her problem and not mine. But as you know, a mind's rationale at 3 a.m. is not a balanced one!
Is that his chat with Jo from Modern Fairy sightings podcast? Check out the one titled puppets. Its me!
DeleteYes Anon, that's right. Will have to check out the puppets one now!
DeleteI have struggled for 3 years over an email I received from someone I thought was a friend. Whilst I came to terms with it I will never forget what it did to me and the hurt never goes. I feel for you. Stay strong and realise it is them who have a problem, not you.x
ReplyDeleteRachel, thank you for your comment. I am sorry you were so hurt by your "friend" - there are some strange folk about I have to say, whose grip on friendship is not the same as ours, e.g. loyalty included in the mix! No, I am still smarting after being ousted from the forum by someone who I thought of as a friend for life (but then, she had had huge fall-outs (via email) with other forum members too, and then their friends also left so I shouldn't have been too surprized when it was my turn. It's hard though, first J going for the jugular and I had truly tried not to be hurt by her previous comments and just shook my head and thought, why has she written that? But each time I replied with no nastiness or just ignored the comment. Clearly she wanted the sort of response which would then give her a proper excuse to kick me off. As for the other matter, I just have to walk away and hope that the matter will be resolved. The problem clearly is NOT mine in this case.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you missed your talk, but it sounds like it might have been a spooky drive home at this time of year.
ReplyDeleteWhen friends turn out not to be, it's very hard to come to terms with isn't it. I've had it happen to me too in the past, it's never nice. Alan can take it or leave it and really doesn't bother about what people think about him or say to him, and he never dwells on things. He's always telling me to chill out when sometimes I want to try to get someone to understand my point of view, or when I want to ask their reasons for saying or doing something.