When I don't sleep well, I find it harder to cope - it goes without saying really I guess. Today I have been in pieces, despite Tam and Rosie being here. The (Youtube) walks chosen by Dave's Country Walks with Logan (his Whippet) kept showing places I knew well. The one in Burley followed another Burley walk with another lass, and they just destroyed me - so many happy memories of the New Forest. Tears have been pestering me all day. I just wanted to get in the car and drive back to Hampshire or Dorset and relive some happy memories.
I took the decision to postpone my visit to New Zealand as it has been difficult to pull everything together, and as you can see from the first paragraph, I am horribly homesick and the thought of travelling to the other side of the world, even though I would be seeing my best friend from school days, is just overwhelming me. Keith was my rock and even a relatively simple thing like checking out all the candidates for covering the house insurance (dealt with mainly by Tam today) has floored me. My brain was swimming in circles towards the end, comparing what was on offer.
So, some Time Out needed. I will be very glad to get Gabby's quilt finished - nearly there - just need a couple of varied strips along the top as it's not quite deep enough. Then I can pin the wadding and back in place.
Sorry I'm not at my chattiest today. Hopefully I will sleep better and feel better tomorrow, although the next Worry is nearly upon me - the Fair at the weekend.
My thoughts are with you. God bless. Charmaine
ReplyDeleteHello Charmaine. Thank you. Yesterday was NOT a good day, hopefully today will be better.
DeleteI do similar, with reading poetry or listening to sad songs and the sobbing. I know it sounds foolish, but maybe it's a way of acknowledging grief and loss, tho mine is of less magnitude than your loss of your beloved Keith.
ReplyDeleteI thought you were sending the quilt to the longarmer? Usually they want the batting and back separate, they stretch it on the machine. And backing esp has to be 4-5" bigger all around. Def do not want you to pin layers as that catches on their machine's needle. check w the person doing the work for you!
love
lizzy
Music has gone by the by since Keith's illness progressed, then my CD player hit the dust - must see if I can get Maddy Prior's Christmas Carols on Spotify. We always play that at Christmas.
DeleteI've only had one quilt through a long armer and that was pre-Covid, so I had forgotten. Oh, that takes a weight off my mind - I bought generously of the cotton batting and the extra-wide backing, so can just deliver it to Alex. That's cheered me up - closer to finishing my bit than I realized.
I'm so glad I commented and you read it before you started layering. Longarmers charge extra usually to undo the layers, plus often the backings are too small. Some longarmers will also do the binding, possible entirely by machine or a half way binding where they set the strips on then you hand sew the back w your whip stitch i=or hidden stitch. Don't precut the binding if you go that route, size depends on machinery and straight grain may be preferred over bias.
DeleteI have been in this place, I know it well. You will come through it and out the other side, and then at some time in the future it will visit you again. It is all part of the process of grief. I have learned that now, when the familiar feeling that it is starting again begins, I must focus on knowing in a day or two it will have passed. It is a difficult time of year for many of us, too. Until they go through this themselves, people do not understand that not everyone wants to, or can be, all holly jolly merry merry. May tonight bring you restful, peaceful sleep and you wake restored and refreshed in the morning.
ReplyDeleteThank you Debbie. Right now, especially after being laid up with the UTI and not leaving the house much, I feel everything is more of a challenge than it should be. I am looking forward to Christmas - I get my tree next week, from Aber when I go to see Tam.
DeleteSlightly more positive today. Rosie-posie is very short on sleep though and it makes her grouchy. Plus, looks like she IS finally teething as she is drooling so much and chomping on her fingers.
Ah love x Ups and downs, it’s ups and down and it will come when you least expect it. It’s such early days yet x Be gentle with yourself, how you are feeling is natural and part of the big mad thing called life. X Re the fair it’s too short notice as next weekend is my birthday but maybe in the new year M and I could come and help you with one? She’d love it as would I and we’d be good at packing and lugging and being told what to do! We’d be your apprentices in Old Stuff x x x Danette
ReplyDeleteOh, that would be WONDERFUL to have you come and help. The next planned Fair is the big one at the Showground in May - gosh you would both LOVE that - leave your purses at home though!!! I would love to have M as an apprentice as my gut feeling is she has a real feel for old stuff and it is SUCH fun doing the Fairs - you make good friends amongst fellow traders and regular clients.
DeleteOoh, that thought has taken a weight off my shoulders already!
I'm treading a similar path to you having lost my 'rock' earlier this year. I underestimated how he stabilised me, thought I was the strong one. It takes time to recover from such a loss. Wise to stay closer to home and loved ones until you feel stronger emotionally. I cancelled a trip to France but there will be time for travels later on. Thinking of you. Jan Bx
ReplyDeleteHello Jan. Keith was always the sensible one and grounded me. Any paperwork was his domain. Anything legal too. I just panic at the sight of legal jargon!!
DeleteI would like to have some long weekends away - West Country, Lake District and exploring my roots in Northamptonshire - that will start to build my confidence again. Emotionally, as you have surmised, right now I am a Wreck!
I have an invitation to stay with a friend in France, but I'm not brave enough for that yet as I would be travelling alone. In the summer, perhaps.
When I am short sleeped, I too am all over the place emotionally. I think it was wise to delay your trip to NZ. If you are overwhelmed you are simply not going to enjoy the visit anyway. Better to give yourself time to gain your footing and go then.
ReplyDeleteGabby has some great ideas for short, but adventurous, breaks . . . Watch this space. I always wanted to travel the world, but it wasn't for me. Now perhaps I get a chance to do it a little . ..
DeleteWhen my husband died the last thing I wanted to do was leave my home and travel far from all I knew. I did and continue to go on many short trips, some in the UK and some abroad. You will need familiarity around you. And as for house insurance, car insurance, building insurance - grrrrrr! And don't even try parking using the parking app in an area (like mine) where there is sporadic mobile signal!
ReplyDeleteI see I am not alone then. Some short trips would be wonderful. My cousin was widowed early this year, and has a brilliant friend group and they are off on short breaks all over the place.
DeleteIf I can't pay cash to park, I don't park!!
If I can't find anyone to go away with I just go on my own but is something I wouldn't have been able to do in the early days. Joining local interest groups (art, choir, sewing, book club, horses, gardening etc.,) also good and sometimes just as good as going away. In my area we were told that the wretched parking app affected the elderly as they didn't have mobile phones. Well you can imaging the response they got - talk about ageist! Not having a signal affects everyone! I gather our council spent over £80k returning the machines to cash, card or app facility. And councils say they have no money........
DeleteI will get confidence again - hell's teefs, I drove all the way up to Aberdeenshire and back in the late 1990s to go on my Dig. It's just I am very fragile at the moment. Not sure if there is a local art group but I would like to do some art again. I used to have a little bit of talent. We are a small town (2,500 population) so best I can do at present is be a member of the Historical Society.
DeleteIt's Thurs morning and I hope you have had a good sleep and wake up feeling able to sort out for the fair. - One thing at a time.
ReplyDeleteNo - I was TOO HOT. When I did drop off I woke boiled, and found I was the filling for a two-kitten sandwich and they were VERY efficient hot water bottles! Then Alfie came to sit on my head!
DeleteGabby has just put temptation in my way . . .
One step at a time BB. Rest today and enjoy finishing the quilt today. Eat well, drink plenty of water and cups of tea and I’m sure you will sleep better tonight. Tomorrow is another day and I’m also pretty sure you have your stock for the fair sorted, priced and more or less ready to go. I do understand how much you are missing K, especially when it comes to these practical problems. But you, and indeed anyone, can sort these practical problems one at a time. I woke up this morning to realise the underfloor heating on in the bedroom and a blank display screen. We never use the bedroom underfloor heating so what is going on? I suspect the room display and control panel needs new batteries (and a teeny tiny screwdriver to open the casing) so I will wait until S wakes up and we’ll sort it together. If it is something more difficult than this I have already requested Polypipe (a UK company based in Doncaster) to call me back so I’m covered. Meanwhile it’s lovely and warm in the bedroom on a chilly damp morning and the kitchen underfloor heating is working as it should. I twanged my lower back on Monday after lifting the heavy terracotta pot containing my orange tree into position for my winter tableau. Oh yes, I have outdoor fairy lights for the first time (a rash purchase from Tesco after visiting the medical centre for S’s blood test on Monday) and they are making me so happy! I have twined the lights around a copper verdigris star (made from old copper pipe) which is hanging on the wall next to the front door, down and round a rusty robin garden stake to the evergreen Daphne (full of bud and promise) and then around the orange tree which is scented with white blossom. Thank you little orange tree for once again neatly solving the Christmas tree conundrum and saving me a small fortune as well as time and effort in buying, setting up decorating and clearing away a dead spiky traditional Christmas tree. It’s my dad’s birthday today so tomorrow I will start slowly decorating the house, although now I know how fabulous these battery outdoor lights are complete with timer I am tempted to buy a second set to wind around the huge rosemary bush by the front gate and even maybe a third set for the red sentinel crab apple tree in the garden. We’re back to the medical centre on Friday, this time to see the GP, and Tesco is right next door … Have a lovely relaxing day BB, we’re all here to listen and give moral support if we can. Sarah x
ReplyDeleteRosie has just gone up for a little nap - poor Tam is shattered. Having had 3 in 5 years, their early days are a mystery to me, and now I know why! I need to drink more water - when I drank lots though, I got completely bloated and uncomfortable so have to go a middle route.
ReplyDeleteOh I HATE having to pay for the practical things to be done - Keith did everything, and knew exactly where to put his hands on all the stuff he needed - he has left me a real challenge in both departments :)
I have some outdoor lights somewhere in the attic. I need to pop down the town and get a short length to decorate my stall on Saturday though. I will probably pack the car today and then at least it is DONE and I will have peace of mind.
I wish you had a blog and I could see your wonderful garden, esp. with the Christmas lights up. Grief has hit my gardening pleasures right in the solar plexus but I am sure when we get into March I shall be hard at work out there again.
I know you will be out gardening BB, the promise of spring is like magic for us gardeners. Next fine dry day I will have a quick hoe under the beech hedges as the snowdrops will be poking through soon. The underfloor heating control panel did indeed need new batteries so we’ve just sorted that and meanwhile I am knitting sitting on the bed making the most of the warmth. It’s grey and grim and muddy out there but we have celeriac and apple soup for lunch and it’s cauliflower cheese for supper so no need to go anywhere today. I feel so tired and S didn’t wake up until 9.30 so it has taken him until now to feel ‘normal’ or what passes for normal when you’ve got Parky’s. Perhaps explore the attic for your Christmas decorations and use the lights you have for your stall and save yourself the bother of driving into town and buying a new set. I find whenever I go shopping at this time of year I get this panicky FOMO feeling and buy stuff I don’t really need. That’s what happened this week when we went into Tesco for printer paper and batteries and there were the Christmas lights tempting me. My friend in the village looks after her two grandchildren and she is utterly exhausted. The eldest started primary school in September and is so tired when she picks him up and pick up time of course coincides with the two year old’s naps. We were commiserating with each other the other day. Who will look after Rosie if/when Tam goes back to work? I was so lucky in that we launched our own publishing business when T was four months old so that I never had to go ‘back to work’ and just did what I could when I could. Our publishing company finally gets transferred to its new owners (a Dutch media company) next week. It’s making me feel a bit sad as it’s been such a huge part of our lives for more than 30 years and given us a good living for which I am so grateful, but honestly it feels like I’m losing a leg! S x
DeleteOh gosh, the Christmas lights I have are yards long - I would have to go about 20 times round my stall! Mind you, the way the weather is looking I may well be stuck here at home - Amber Warning is in place and Tam only just made it home safely tonight, having had to drive through the Cambrian mountains. The rain was so bad and headlights so blinding, she struggled to see where she was going.
DeleteI will help Tam with child-care, but Jon will do Fridays as that's his day off. I have to say, I have had lots of hand's on childcare these past couple of days and it IS tiring!
I imagine you will both feel bereft without your publishing company, but onwards and upwards and I hope that you get used to "retirement".
Curl up on the sofa, have a break from doing things. Grief needs to be unwound and then sadly lived with. The good bit is it becomes less over time. Long travel lists won't help ;) I still can't go anywhere by myself, I just feel this great emptiness by my side.
ReplyDeleteI can now that Tam and Rosie have gone home. The grief was overwhelming yesterday - couldn't have made anything more complicated than a piece of toast at one stage.
DeleteI know just what you mean about the emptiness although I have trained myself to do the Fairs and go to Malvern, as I had to do that when Keith could no longer come with me.
Thinking of you x
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
Thank you Alison. Something totally unexpected has come to pass which I will share tomorrow . . .
DeleteI love watching Dave's walks and it too makes me homesick even though I am not from that part of England. I am sorry that you are missing your husband. I suppose I should value mine more, he is 77 now and it was a second marriage for both of us. We both check if the other is still breathing every morning, as you just never know when you are old. We joke about who will go first.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know that you watched him too. I know so many of the areas he walks, and we had hoped to move back to Dorset, then tried to get to Devon, but to no avail. Yes, value your husband. Life is bleak without your partner.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs from across the pond. While things will probably get easier to handle, I know you will always miss your husband, the healing will leave a scar, but one you will be able to handle a bit easier. While I don't know what it is like to lose a spouse, I do know what it is like to lose someone you love. We lost our daughter when she was 6 years old due to someone not paying attention to how they were driving. At certain times the pain is still there, but I remember all the good times and can smile a bit more.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Oh gosh, I can feel the sadness in your words. Holding the grief back while you have visitors, even close family, means you almost choke on it doesn't it. It's overwhelming and soul destroying when it comes out. I hope you are starting to feel a little better today. xx
ReplyDelete