I gave myself a day off today and went to Tretower Court, as the Marcher Stuarts were there this weekend. Sadly a depleted force there - just 3 people - and the ladies I wanted to speak to were elsewhere. I know they also appear at agricultural shows etc in the summer. I enjoyed wandering around, taking photos, and as I have a CADW pass for this one property, I got in free. Here are a few photos.
Soapwort (Saponaria).
Green Alkenet (a dye plant).
I drove home via Brecon, and stopped at Aldi to do next week's shop, which frees up a morning. I wasn't expecting to get ambushed by grief as I drove into Brecon though. I glanced across at the canal, and the words "so many happy memories" came into my head and tears sprung in my eyes. I was like that on and off all the way home then.
I made things a whole lot worse by noticing the fan on the floor in the front bedroom, and the memories associated with its use in Keith's final hours flooded back and I was inconsolable for a while. I've put it by the attic door and never want to see it again.
Tam and Rosie are arriving today to stay for two nights, Gabby's visiting on Tuesday and Danny's here first thing Wednesday and staying over, working from home. I shall have to cook!!
On a positive note, I finally (been planning this all year) rang the Tatooist's doorbell down the town, and have made an appointment for Wednesday to have my closed-up ear repierced. Shouldn't be too painful as half the hole is there anyway and they use a sharp needle rather than the blunt trauma I experienced when they pierced my ears at the jewellers all those years ago. That will be £15well spent.
Well, back to bed now and hoping I will stay asleep now. I've been awake every half an hour or so since going to bed at 9.30 p.m. (awake since 4 a.m. and up at 10 to 5).
Lovely photos, the wildflower you call toadflax, here in the US is called butter and eggs
ReplyDeleteWhat a great name for it.
DeleteGrief will do that to you, especially when you are not looking.
ReplyDeleteThanks to my Nanna we call Purple Loosestrife "The Lovelies", yes there is a short story there.
My Great Grandmother pierced ears using a darning needle sterilised in the fire and a cork. I would have done without!
I'm glad you had a day out but a pity the ladies were not there. Now that sounds like a reason to revisit soon!
Oh it's a thug alright.
Delete"The Lovelies" sounds a fun name and glad there is a family story attached. I can remember it growing by a very polluted stream in the valley behind the house where I grew up. Such intense colour.
Big hugs...it happens and we mustn't bottle it up.
ReplyDeleteI've never stopped at Tretwr..thanks for the reminder..must do it and go round there!
I hope you can get to Tretower. It has such a lovely atmosphere.
DeleteI think sleeping badly (which I do most nights) has an impact on how my brain reacts to grieving. It's not the fact that Keith is dead which affects me so, but reliving the last few days of his life. It was so hard for us to support him through that time.
I think I big part of grief is what at other times would be called PTSD - going over and over things and wondering what you could have done differently. It is exhausting, even without the lack of sleep adding to it. Perhaps it might be worth looking into the Valerian. x
DeleteI think you have it there Tracy. That's exactly what the children and I are doing, going over and over again in our heads and agonizing what we could have done differently to make Keith as comfortable as possible or change things. There probably wasn't but our brains seem to be wired to torture ourselves all the same. I will start taking Magnesium again as that helps my sleep.
DeleteWe have been living on adrenaline for so long...now we have withdrawal symptoms.
DeleteI liked Tretowers when I went, you could almost live there it was so inviting. Plenty of wildflowers as well, Wales has a special atmosphere. It is early days, sadness will always catch you out, it will be there for a long time.
ReplyDeleteThat's how I feel - I'd love to move in straight away - that KITCHEN :) Lots of wild flowers there too and they hive several hives of bees amongst them.
DeleteThe sadness will, as you say, be there a long time. I just have to learn how to cope with it.
Lovely flowers and fruit at Tretower. There was a news items about the Brecon Beacons or Bannau Brycheiniog yesterday saying how the national park was being despoilt by the Instagrammers. I know the feeling. Our old favourite beach at West Wittering is now a no go area for us at it has become since the Covid years overwhelmed by yappy dogs and poo bags, portable barbecues, sound systems, and too many people and their rubbish. Our son is cycling the South Downs Way this weekend and after a swim in the Arun river will be coming to us later today to stay a couple of nights and finish the meadow mowing for me. Alleluia! In return I am spatchcocking and marinating a chicken to roast with my potatoes, courgettes, shallots and garlic. Pud will be blackberry and windfall apple upside down cake with clotted cream. Good to let the tears flow BB. Have a good day today and I’m glad the children are around and needing feeding! Sarah x
ReplyDeleteI can well believe that. We used to have the walk up to Llyn-y-Fan-Fach almost to ourselves, then they put it as a place to go in a Telegraph supplement and there are overspill car parks in half the farmers' fields on the approach now. Glad we went there when it was still quiet.
DeleteGlad to hear your son is coming to stay for a couple of nights AND finish the meadow mowing for you. It will have to be a job specially reserved for him in future I think.
We spotted a lovely picking of big blackberries on our walk, just up the hill a way, so when Tam was getting Rosie off to sleep I walked back up and picked nearly a pound of them for the freezer. Your pudding sounds lovely. I think the first pudding I made (which was successful!) was Margeurite Patten's Pineapple Upside Down Cake :)
The tears are a necessary part of the grieving but wrench grief from me, not a gentile sobbing.
I have typed and deleted so many words.
ReplyDeleteI do know that what you are describing is all part of the process, agonising as it is.
You did all that you could. x
We did do all we could, but we are still torturing ourselves over the "what if's" . . . I will just have to keep on keeping busy as that truly does help - I can think things through logically then.
DeleteQuite a few what ifs here too...but we did what we could with the information we had.
DeleteI don't think we will ever stop asking, questioning, and doubting. It's part of the human condition. It's now about finding reconciliation. I hope all of us in this situation can.
DeleteAbsolutely lovely photos TQ x
ReplyDeleteLike Elaine above I'm struggling a bit to find words. But be assured of kind thoughts and prayers.
Alison in Wales x
You did all that you could, when you could do it and Keith would tell you the same. Grief will continue to ambush you over and over there is no let up from it. As they say 'grief is love with nowhere to go', it pulls you up short and usually only tears will wash it away for a while.
ReplyDeleteWhen you are alone and undistracted, I would think the grief would come on quickly and unexpectedly. I'm glad that you have company coming. Those apples are a curious thing.
ReplyDeleteYou are bound to be swamped by grief at the oddest moments and set off by apparently unrelated 'things'. It would have been my Dad's 95th birthday yesterday, only 2 years since he went and I know I was lucky to have him for so long. Good luck with the ear piercing! Mine were done when I was 17 with a sort of gun affair which shot the earring into the hole. My Nanna said hers were done by her Nain with a heated up darning needle and a cork! Hugs Xx
ReplyDeleteSee my comment above! It seems the darning needle and cork were the thing! Shudders. Finally someone else spells Nanna with two n's!
DeleteThe sorrow will always be there but it does become easier to bear. I'm glad you were able to have a day just for you. Tretower looks like a lovely place. I love the wooden beams and floorboards in the hall. Maybe I'll take myself there one day. We were at Ty Glyn today and found a large mulberry tree with lots of ripe fruit so we (seven older folk) stood around the tree, shaking the branches and eating the ripe fruit that fell. I lost one of my earrings out riding on Friday. It was one of the original pair that my ears were pierced with almost 50 years ago. It didn't hurt at all though when I had them done. Good luck with getting your ear pierced.
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) my dear. Grief comes in waves and one never knows when it will hit. I keep thinking that perhaps sometime in the near future I will get my ears done once again. One can't buy nice clip on earrings any longer.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Waves of grief can come on so suddenly, though in my experience it's there lurking under the surface. I understand how you and your children can ruminate over those last few days with Keith. I go over and over in my mind the "what ifs" I'd done differently when I cared for my sister at the end. Give it time.
ReplyDeleteOh, my thoughts are with you again. Great photos of a wonderful place.
ReplyDelete