I took myself out yesterday and drove to Llandeilo to see friends down at the Mart - there is a small car boot sale there alongside the auction, and I found a lovely brand new x-stitch kit as a Christmas present for a friend, and a lovely little Victorian cast iron blackbird on a branch - it swivels round, and was probably fixed to a gatepost. That's gone into stock for the September Antiques Fair. Then I took a deep breath and went to Brita's lovely Antiques Fair up in the town, to see the good friends we had who have stalls there. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but it had to be done. Fortunately Brita had paved the way for me. Everyone was lovely, and I managed to more or less hold it together. When there is a spare spot, I shall be selling there in the future, which will be lovely.
Then I dropped the chair off for re-caning at our friends' house, and drove on to Carmarthen, where I had a sudden wave of grief flood me as I drove through the town. We lived in Carms for 32 years, and shopped there weekly. The train station was thick with memories of taking the kids to catch a train somewhere, or picking them up. I hadn't expected this to suddenly hit me.
Anyway, I looked for comfy trainers to no avail, but then went into Matalan for some of their Rosie jeggings, and found a bright stripey t-shirt and some much-needed new knickers too. Only essential spending took place. Across the road at Charlies I bought wooden cat litter pellets, good peat (with Miracle Gro in - only way to go for my Bonsai Hollyhock seedlings) and some Gorilla wood glue. I did not allow myself to go to the kitchen goodies end of the building . . . Then a baguette and a drink from Greggs.
Then more memories, when I drove to my friend N's smallholding, a mile or so from our old house. As I left the A40 and drove up "our" lane, I thought we must have driven up here a thousand times. I practically knew every blade of grass. It was lovely to see N and catch up. I hadn't seen her for about 18 mths. but it was like we had only just chatted yesterday. There were tears and laughter, and I left feeling a little more cheerful and balanced.
Now I just want Thursday dealt with, but at least I have the words for the tribute card to go with the flowers we've ordered. It's 3 a.m. in the morning and something came into my head an hour ago, and I had to write it down. The tribute begins, "Simply the best . . ."
A difficult journey into places that are full of memories of you and Keith together. I'm glad you could face it with friends along the way. You're on a new journey--one day, one week at a time.
ReplyDeleteWell, I felt the longer I left it the more difficult it would be so bit the bullet. Saturday was a bit full on with emotions and I broke down when I spoke to Tam on the phone. She said, shall I come over tomorrow, and did, and that has helped. I will go over in a week or so and help around the house - Jon seems to persuade himself that tackling the overgrown garden is more important than washing up etc. Keith did ALL the washing up (until he couldn't) through our married life.
DeleteYou are amazing, you are so determined and so strong.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I have been well-trained by the Universe this year. Now I know why all those awful problems were sent my way.
DeleteAn emotional but good day for you. Hugs
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
It was good to see friends, and get the clothes I wanted MUCH cheaper than buying them from Cotton Traders!! Even the knickers were half the price Tesco are now charging!
DeleteMy heart goes out to you. I have described grief as a tsunami of black mud that suddenly comes at you from nowhere on a beautiful sunny day. It takes you by surprise when least expecting it.
ReplyDeleteOn a different note, just reading your brief words on Carmarthen brought memories of happy times in my life when I lived there. It is a lovely town and holds a special place in my heart.
One step at a time, one day at a time. Grief is a different beast for each of us, and for you it is early days.
Yup, that pretty well sums it up. It certainly has the surprise element.
DeleteI'm glad you were happy in Carmarthen. We got a bit fed up with it towards the end as it got busier and less like the little Market Town we remembered from the 80s.
Early days indeed. I am trying to Keep Organized and used yesterday's car boot sale as an excuse to tidy stuff up in the Utility, where 4 boxes of stock currently live. I can see the floor again now :)
Good to look to the future as well as appreciate the past.
ReplyDeleteWe are allowed to leak at times..does us good xx
Yes, I have plans. I may even get down to Dartmoor this year. Just a couple of nights away, but how I would love that.
DeleteSudden memories are hard, even after 6 years.
ReplyDeleteYou are still keeping busy - don't forget to have a rest too!
I rested at the car boot sale yesterday - not exactly overwhelmed with customers! I had a lovely view of the Black Mountains and Hay Bluff. Very peaceful.
DeleteI can imagine your sudden memories of Col are just as painful. My dad died in 1980 but here are days when I look at his photo and the tears come unbidden.
Well at least you are working through the loss of Keith though I cannot say it gets any easier. There will be times you think you are getting over it then it hits you what is missing. Time is the healer as they say. Greggs, I have trouble passing that place. Hope you get to read the blogs on Cyro and Llowes, I remembered you when I visited them because of your liking for Kilvert
ReplyDeleteI have no alternative really Billy. I would give anything to have the old Keith back, just for a day - even an hour - but that's never going to happen so the memories will have to sustain me.
DeleteWith Greggs, I persuade myself that a Tuna Crunch baguette does have some protein and salad in it and I won't need to eat much for tea! I went to Llowes recently - did I do a blog? Not sure, will have to go and check, and if not put it up belatedly. I was able to get inside this time and see the old cross. I was at Clyro for the Car Boot Sale yesterday but didn't go to the church this time - just the little garage, for a well-deserved iceceam.
Huge pat on the back to you. Going places that you used to visit together and seeing friends when it used to be the two of you is huge. Grief used to hit me down our High Street - literally tears streaming down my face as I was walking along. The supermarket was another one. 2 years in and those episodes are getting fewer. The grief gets easier to control - and less savage. Have a peaceful day.
ReplyDeleteSavage - that's the word, like a knife being twisted in my heart. He was such a special person and always made us laugh. I am sorry that you have been ripped apart by grief too.
DeleteI hope that, in time, those journeys will be ones of quiet remembrance and fondness with only a tinge of sadness -- you have lived a lifetime of memories with Keith, they're bound to be everywhere. One at at time, you'll get through. I'm glad you have such a lovely group of people around you, that will make all the difference. ~Melanie xo
ReplyDeleteThank you Melanie. I have wonderful friends, who are such a support. Only time will heal. Meanwhile we have young Rosie who we think will be quite like her grandfather - her eyes are changing from blue to hazel and she is Very Bright and inquisitive (as Keith was), with such a lovely grin.
DeleteYou’re doing well BB. Just a quick thought about hollyhock seedlings. Mine germinate in stoney hardcore, barely grow in their first year and it is their second year they put on weight to flower in their third year. I fear that peat compost (bad garden centre to still be selling peat-based products - I thought most garden centres had stopped selling peat because its extraction is so damaging to our planet) will be far too rich in nutrients and not the answer. I think having an outlet for selling your treasures will be so good for you and hopefully a stall will come up soon. Well done on all you’ve achieved so far. You are the best too you know! Sarah x
ReplyDeleteCompost isn't peat based. I typed peat when I MEANT compost! Dozo. They germinated, grew to half an inch and have sullenly stuck there ALL summer. Perhaps too hot in greenhouse for them. I haven't really been doing joined-up gardening thinking this year, needless to say. I will try plonking some in the gravel by the house and see if they thrive better.
DeleteI am in complete admiration at your determination and strength at this so difficult time. My thoughts and best wishes are with you. Hugs. x
ReplyDeleteWell, it's done in avoiding thinking too hard about the past few months, and Keith's death. If I dwell on that I get in a dreadful state. Can only let such thoughts in a few minutes at a time right now.
DeleteTrips along familiar lanes are emotional pullers that’s for sure. That’s kind Brita was able to pave the way, everyone in the circuit will be wishing you well I’m sure x x Danette x x
ReplyDeleteEspecially THAT lane. Brita was so kind. We've been doing Fairs with her for about 20 years or more. She has offered me a stand at that Fair, so I'm looking forward to doing that again. It's like a mini version of the Botanic Gardens Antiques Fair, selling wise.
DeleteYou did well!
ReplyDeleteSo many memories to both tug at emotions and give then comfort. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteA balance of both is difficult right now.
DeleteSuch a difficult time, but you are being well cared for, first by your family, and now by your old friends. The memories are everywhere, I am sure.
ReplyDeleteMy family are keeping me afloat. When Tam heard me sobbing on the phone on Saturday, she came over next day and is going back later. I fear Malvern Flea will really hit me later this month . . .
DeleteMemories will always catch you out but you are making a strong start on the journey. Also you have so many friends around you.
ReplyDeleteOur friends on the circuit are such lovely people. Some of them have been where I am now, having lost a partner. I'm holding fiercely onto the good memories right now and keeping myself to task with organising things. About to tackle the Tell Us Once form . . .
DeleteYou are doing everything the way it suits you and that is exactly the right thing to do. Those sledgehammer moments with memories will be with you for a long time, if not always. All you can do is cope with each one as it comes and then say a thank for the memories.
ReplyDeleteIf the tribute begins 'Simply the best ...' you know what the tune for leaving the chapel should be. My Dad's was a lively Glen Miller number, one of his favourites, and seeing the smile it brought to everyone's face as they walked out made it the perfect choice.
Tam vetoed Simply the Best . . . but that's what he was all the same. His brother Rod (a music buff) suggested The Ride of the Valkyries to exit on. Keith would have appreciated that. He loved having a little bit of Viking blood and this is good stirring music.
DeleteThe next big sledgehammer moments (after tomorrow) will be Malvern at the end of the month. I still have some friends to tell and although I've spent the last year going round without him, the excitement isn't the same. We'd be like greyhounds released from their leashes, off in search of bargains! The thrill of the chase :)