Not my best day - I felt wonderful yesterday, really happy and satisfied and full of energy - just as I used to be. However, today was not a repeat and I woke up feeling jaded and haven't been in the mood to do anything much. My tired brain was back in evidence.
I went down to get the Saturday paper, and popped up to see my friend Pam, as I'd not seen her for a couple of weeks.
I have sewed the last three rows on the zigzag blocks part of Gabby's quilt, and also finally washed the material I bought for the side strips and backing. That's now drying on the rack in the Utility.
I wanted to watch racing this afternoon, but that upset me at first as Keith and I always watched the racing together. That was today's crying session. It was the Cheltenham meeting and I had two winners (in my head that is), but even if I had wanted to put a bet on, I'd have been a day too late as it was a recorded programme. Don't now how to get it live any more as I don't have a programmes listing like I used to have with Sky, I have to go into the individual channel and do a search, which is incredibly slow and laborious.
I have started reading (again) Phil Rickman's The Magus of Hay and as Keith and I knew Hay SO well, I can picture his descriptions in my minds' eye and know exactly which places he's talking about. From memory, it gets quite dark and scary later on . . .
I have in my mind to write a story about the Murder of Peggy Ffrydiau (up on the Epynt), now I have all the details. It might be watch this space for a while though . . .
Next week we apparently have snow heading our way. That's very early . . . Can do without that especially as it will stop Tam and Rosie visiting.
I ordered Gabby an alternative present in case I don't get the quilt finished in time . . .
Lastly, annoyed to have an email from the Ebay seller I bought a gift for Danny from, as I was expecting it to be delivered today - as per their last email. However, "Your parcel from Darkwear UK Ltd has reached your local delivery office. We've received a request not to deliver mail to the property your item is addressed to today. We'll attempt delivery as per the instructions we've received, which is usually on the next working day." Well, I shan't be buying from THEM again. Don't like being lied to.
Things do get to one...
ReplyDeleteThe racing always will because we always watched it together. Yet there are other things which I was sure would upset me (going to Hay) and which don't.
DeleteSo disapointing for you not to get Danny's present delivered, most on line companies I've dealt with have been ok but ... We love watching the racing, whether its jumps or flat, although I have to admit to some insider knowledge as my step brother in law is Kevin Darley who was a champion jockey. Now he buys horses for foreign owners, but is a lovely man and very devoted to his family. Hope you feel more energised and less sad, even though my Mum has been dead for 40+ years I still think must tell her that. Hugs Xx
ReplyDeleteAh, I just "get a feeling" for a name sometimes. Sometimes I'm right :) Great to have a respected horseman in the family.
DeleteKnow what you mean about "must tell mum" as I often think, oh, I must tell Keith that, or wanting his take on something. Definitely miss his advice on all sorts of things. We used to have wonderful conversations about antiques, history, archaeology and what have you and he was brilliant on geography.
It is lonely some days isn’t it? I really feel for you and hope that through the winter you will have more good days than bad. It is 4 months since my Great UK trip but now the summer is coming here in New Zealand I am slowly pulling out of the loneliness that enveloped me on my return. I wish you all the very best.
ReplyDeleteThese dark evenings are the worst. During the day I can keep busy, but sitting down for the night, I do feel very alone.
DeleteWhich parts of the UK did you visit? I am planning a NZ trip for February to see my dear friend Rosie. It doesn't seem quite real yet though.
Today I heard a woman talking about trying to finish three classes online for a Master's degree. She said, "I didn't know that after a death, it takes the mind 8-9 months to recover normal thinking abilities. I just buried him, so I have a long ways to go."
ReplyDeleteI'd never heard this either. No wonder we older people are supposed to have our finances in order - the one left behind will have difficulties just trying to think straight. Best Wishes.
Hah - that certainly explains why I can make SO MANY errors just sewing two bits of fabric together. My poor brain feels quite addled and definitely not working as it used to. Trying to think straight IS difficult and I often have to "go neutral" and play Solitaire or similar online just to not have to think too hard . . .
DeleteThe road of grief is never straight, we all just do the best we can when things get rough. I am sorry that you are being lied to about Danny's gift. We are getting snow and sleet today and there is more to follow. I don't mind winter really, I just hate the mess the season makes of the roads.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
There is still so much in the way of paperwork etc to sort. Yup, had the MoD payout, but that leads to other problems to deal with - getting in touch with HMRC to sort out the emergency tax code they hit me with, telling various powers that be that I no longer qualify for this or that . . .
DeleteCan do without the snow predicted for here as I have to go to Hereford on Tuesday to have an MRI scan. Don't think it will be much but you never know.
It is those silly little things that really get the tears flowing. Somehow it's easier to tough it out with the big things, but the little things get straight through the defences and hit home.
ReplyDeleteYou're right there. Even just finding little bits (light fitting thingy) long overlooked in the ashtray on a stand of his Uncle George's which was beside his chair. Scraps of paper with his writing on, when he could still write . . . all hit home.
DeleteI am sorry for your down days. You are doing your best.
ReplyDeletelizzy
I was very flat yesterday. Cheered myself up with a couple of videos from Kate at the Last Homely House. We have a lot in common, as she makes stuff in the kitchen that I make too using things foraged etc.
DeleteI received one of my packages today, and it was broken, which was well and truly irritating. I would call my post office and see what they had to say about your message. It does not make sense to my American ears.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you are having a sad day.
Oh what a shame. Hard to know if poorly packed or slung at the bottom of a heavy pile. It's not the Post Office's words - for a start, they don't deliver "by 7.30 p.m." - they are here on postie's round, which is about 11 - 11.30 a.m. 2ndly, they don't deliver on a Sunday, and thirdly, I couldn't get through on the tracing link, hence it has not been posted yet!
DeleteHoping today will be better. Thank God I can now start sewing in long long straight lines without having to match anything more tedious than two edges of fabric!
You were on a high yesterday and in my experience those highs are very often followed by a low. It will pass and it will happen again.
ReplyDeleteHa! My parcel from Lakeland is still in the local delivery depot since Wednesday last. No explanation, no update, just sitting there. Mind, rife as Covid is there may be a shortage of couriers. Have you learned who changed your delivery?
You're probably right. It was the first time I had felt my old self for years though. We had a lot of financial worry before leaving our old house, then a very demanding buyer, then moving at the height of Covid, and then Keith's health going steadily downhill and his death. A lot to recover from.
DeleteThere is a scale of time it takes to recover from major life events and traumas that stress us out, good or bad, e.g. changing jobs, moving house, illness, bereavement, marriage, birth divorce etc and some of it can take up to five years. You have moved house, had financial worry, illness, bereavement, and the Pandemic to deal with. That's a lot for anyone. Sending hugs
DeleteYes, it wasn't until I wrote it all down I realize what a challenge life has been this past five years. No wonder my poor brain is so frazzled at times.
DeleteWhilst looking at my Amazon account the other day I came across a note from DHL on a recent delivery that said "the customer has changed delivery instructions and parcel will be delivered according to new instructions received". I have never, ever changed a delivery instruction so was slightly indignant and surprised at the note. However, as I have now received the parcel I will not be quering it but it was totally not true. It is amazing what goes on behind our backs! Good luck with the weather.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, sounds like they are all at it! My parcel arrived this afternoon via Royal Mail, and yes, I did actually see a Royal Mail van on our hill just as I was going out for a (very wet!) walk.
DeleteWeather definitely looking dodgy so may have to stay put. I will go out tomorrow for cat food and cheese and apples . . .
Oh dear BB, feeling for you, but these highs and lows follow each other as night follows day and I think you just have to go with the flow and allow yourself all the feelings. Struggling by here as S is so up and down. In bed by 8.30 last night virtually paralysed as unable to move but right now he’s unloading the dishwasher. GP appt tomorrow (we have a joint double appointment booked with our own excellent GP) and on Wednesday S has a telephone consultation with a NHS neurologist which was requested by our GP back in March. This appt will be S’s first NHS appt with a neurologist. Even I am feeling nervous about this appt and it’s only a phone call. Anyway, the sun is shining, the sky is blue and when I poked my nose out to sniff the air just now the air feels soft and mild so this morning I am going to finish mowing the meadow. I mowed for 90 minutes on Thursday in glorious sunshine and sensibly stopped before I needed to so this morning I just have another hour or so of mowing to do. Usually the meadow goes from August to March without needing cutting but this autumn has been so mild and wet that the grass is really long. I had such a nice time on Thursday though and at one point there were two green woodpeckers working the meadow with me pecking the anthills and completely oblivious to me walking up and down with my quiet battery push mower. My reward when I finish mowing is to plant my tulip bulbs. Yesterday coming home from a busy afternoon in the bookshop I popped into Austen’s for soda crystals for the plug holes and spotted a box of reduced bulbs. I bought two packs of Taylor’s tulip bulbs and and a pack of mixed bulbs for layering - 70 bulbs in all for £10. Very happy with all those especially as my cattle trough tulips succumbed to blight last year. Right time to get out there with my trusty eGo mower - watching GW the other day I noticed Monty Don has the same mower as me! Take care BB and remember that K would be so proud of you. Sarah x
ReplyDeleteI'm not blocking the feelings - sometimes I just get overwhelmed, but much of the time I am accepting that Keith's time had come and I really did not want him to suffer any longer. I miss our talks though, and finding out WHERE things were in his workshop, and answers to Geography queries, and chatting about history and archaeogy and antiques and having a laugh. Looking back, I have had 5 years of very difficult challenges and not much let up.
DeleteI hope that the phone appointment with the neurologist is a positive one. S's symptoms seem to be very up and down and you have my sympathy as I know how difficult it can be. It would be good if you could get things under control more.
Well done with the gardening. I walked out in the rain today to see my neighbour up the road, and she has promised me a bag of short Asters they dug up this week, so I will bung those in on the bank where they can compete with the grass . . .
You've reminded me, I must plant my bulbs too, and get some mulch around the roses before the cold weather arrives.
I hope that Keith would be proud of me. I am trying to do my best.
I decided it took me several years to think straight after Colin died - even though I thought I was OK.
ReplyDeleteHope you get the parcel sorted. Round here it's Evri who cause everyone problems.
So it's not just me then Sue. Using the research bit of my brain on Thursday really seemed to free things up. I still remember the feeling I had when I walked into the University Library for the first time - ok, it wasn't like Oxford or Cambridge but all those thousands of books, there to be opened and read. Oh, it was like a dream come true!
DeleteOur Evri delivery chap is a good one, and so was the one before him. I think it depends on the lottery of life, who you get. Parcel was delivered today btw . . .
Watching the racing on TV is something I remember my Dad doing when I was a kid though I have to admit I never got into it myself. I rarely buy of Ebay now I feel they are no cheaper than any where else
ReplyDeleteI get my mascara there, half the price it is in Boots! Some things aren't too badly priced - I think it depends what you are after.
DeleteIt’s such early days darling x go gently, ride the ups and the downs, sending enormous hugs xxx Danette
ReplyDeleteWhere would I be without my friends? Thank you Danette. Wish we weren't counties apart. Had a wet walk today and made progress (AT LAST)with Gabby's quilt. I want to make something for ME next . . .
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