Well, when D,E & I came back from their weekend away, E was still staying in their room and not coming out. It turns out she has depression. She tried her hardest to start her business off here, but without the referrals from the Chiropractor, and her ongoing clients, and competition from other massage therapists in the town, it just didn't happen. They need her income for saving for a house. Whilst they love it here - and E really wanted to stay in the area forever, very few cheap houses come on the market for first time buyers. They discussed things over the weekend and decided that the only option was to move to Swansea, where she could get plenty of customers, and her ones from Carmarthen would travel there too, plus lots of cheap housing stock. They plan to relocate to a rented house by September and the start of the school year for "I". Danny always wanted to return to Swansea when they lived in Carmarthen. Yesterday he took E&I to her mother's.
As you can imagine this was such a total shock to the system, and the immediate worry of HOW do I care for Keith on my own? Until the carers are in place, Danny will be here 4 days a week, working from home, but spend a long weekend with E&I. I have informed the D. Nurses of this situation and Gabby will be speaking to the Social Worker today (she wasn't in the office yesterday). Tam will come over at weekends, but this will be difficult when Jon needs the car. Gabby works most Saturdays.
Some of you may bethinking, time to go to a Care Home or the Hospice, but I promised him he would stay at home and die here. I will be true to my word, however impossible it becomes for me. Let's hope the Cavalry (Carers) arrive soon.
Some positives this week:
My new clothes arrived.
The coloured fabric marker pens arrived and work a treat - I could SEE where I had to sew and have been working on the border in the evenings (hand quilting a double cable pattern).
Emma gave me a lovely little book of Welsh baking. Will work my way through that.
Just about over my cold now (apart from a tickly cough). I had to take to the sofa yesterday though as I had scarcely slept the night before. I had Alfie on my feet and Pippi on my middle.
I am glad that Shadow-cat will be moving out - he has been a right royal PITA.
If you can get the carers in place, all well and good...but you know in your heart that there is a but...
ReplyDeleteHe wasn't there for long, and it was only in an assessment bed...but Pirate was far more comfortable and easier in his mind knowing that I was there for him but not flattening myself despite all the help we were getting.
It is a hard call. (((Hugs)))
Thank you. Wise words. I know that there may be NO carers because they are so thin on the ground. In which case, a decision will be made when, through medical necessity, Keith needs more than I can provide.
DeletePerhaps you are more likely to get carers in place with this new situation of less live in help! I had wondered if the powers that be were dragging their heels regarding carer provision as you had three adults living in the house. Who knows. Hope the new arrangements work well and E can get her business going again.
ReplyDeleteYou are probably right, but then Danny has to move out completely and then I would find it incredibly hard as I'm just not strong enough to move him up the bed etc.
DeleteOh gosh, fingers crossed that now with less family help the carers will be deemed more urgently required by the powers that be.
ReplyDeleteTry not to see care homes or the hospice as an awful place. When my Mum was really struggling with Dad they put it off and put it off, but once Dad was admitted he really rallied and they had more time together as all his symptoms and pain were managed properly.
There are no guarantees, sadly. We will have to see what pans out but a family member is writing to our MP.
DeleteI found myself wondering the same as SueJay. It is a predicament, isn't it? One thing that I know personally, is that depression will make a person feel that 'everything is all their fault'. Emma's probably feeling quite awful about this too. I am glad that D has made the decision to work from home 4 days a week at your house. I'm thinking of all of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Debby. All I can do is to carry on the best I can.
DeleteAll too well, I know that feeling of making promises. I promised my father before he died that I would not put my mother into care. And I also promised him I would not get social services involved. However, somebody in her care team, whether it was the doctors of the surgery or whether it was someone at the hospital, got social services involved, and that was it. All taken out of my hands and mum was put into care. Looking back now with 2020 hindsight, I realised that I could not have coped on my own for much longer. At least when she was in care, Mum was safe and well looked after we were. blessed that we were able to find a good care home for her. So many people have told me I could not have coped at her at home here on my own. I now know they were right. It is a hell of a dilemma you are facing. Just remember you were doing more than your best for Keith, more than most people would be able to cope with. You are an incredibly strong woman. Most people would have given up long before this. If the decision has to be made to put Keith into a care home, you must not blame yourself. You have done absolutely everything you can. And no one is going to think bad of you if it comes down to the wire. On the contrary, you are to be admired and respected.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, such promises cannot be set in stone, but I will do the very best I can for as long as possible. I may have to start working out at the gym though . . .
DeleteI think I am a failure some days, if I get cross with Keith because I am so exhausted, and he is being stroppy (and he is increasingly so because of being in pain from his pressure sores and/or neck. The D. Nurse said I am doing incredibly well so I will believe you both.
All change for you, perhaps as mentioned above you'll be given Carers for Keith now that this has happened. Take care of yourself too,
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
Thanks Alison. I'm not holding my breath right now. Though I think back to walking past the Council "Old Peoples' Home" when I was at school and wonder what the hell happened to those? The same thing as the Convalescent Homes I dare say.
DeleteSending even more (((Hugs))) to you from East to West.
ReplyDeleteOh thank you Sue. I try to distract myself with sewing, reading and Poldark reruns.
DeleteI found the care given to my late husband by our local hospice was second to none. Initially neither of us wanted to use it but as things progressed we changed our minds. And respite care was offered in the form of day care and overnight care which gave me a much needed break too. I hope you are successful with finding good care for Keith. I was saddened to read the situation regarding. your son.
ReplyDeleteThank you Anon. Sometimes the path ahead gets altered and we must cope with a change of terrain. I've been offered respite for a week or two, but we couldn't afford it (I will be cash-strapped when Keith goes) and so I need to hold onto what savings we have as I will need to replace the car in the next couple of years. I will manage. Hospice will be for the very end.
DeleteGoodness we must have been very lucky because we didn't have to pay for any respite at the hospice. Also on offer to me was massage, nail treatments (including having my nails painted!) and head massage. All free and provided by volunteers! It was wonderful but I understand that during Covid all these treats were withdrawn and only now are they trying to bring them back.
DeleteWell it is the half full, half empty glass you are looking at. But you have your son for four days a week, and two daughters for the weekend. I am sure you will manage. The Care service has to help out if it becomes too difficult. Poor you, you must struggle on though. Do look after yourself, the cats will bring some entertainment if not mice to chase around. xxx
ReplyDeleteSome days it seems completely empty. I will manage, one way or another. Cats (and bats!) certainly bring entertainment!
DeleteWhen these promises are made neither party knows exactly how things will pan out, what caring for someone at home actually involves, day in, day out. It can be a messy business, devoid of any dignity, and professional carers,homes are equiped and used to such care.
ReplyDeleteDevoid of dignity indeed. Never in his life has Keith shown his btm to so many different women!!!
DeleteOh dear, oh dear. Hopefully your son and daughter can cover until the carers get in place. If not perhaps a discussion with the DN abour respite care until the carers show up. Let's not jump the hurdle of permanent care just yet, you still have options and if they don't work that will be the time to re-evaluate. Pour yourself a glass of bubbly to wish the PITA bon voyage.
ReplyDeleteI opted for cider, as cheaper. We will have to take each day as it comes.
DeleteI'm sorry this is such a difficult situation. I hope carers can get there soon. Sometimes promises are made when we don't really understand how things will go. You may have to make some very hard decisions. I hope things work out for you.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't expecting it , so have to have a complete change of mindset. Things will definitely get worse before they get better.
DeleteAll I can offer is prayers and best wishes, for you all.
ReplyDeleteWhen we were in a difficult position with DH's parents, both utterly determined to be in their own home (her in hospital with a broken hip and with terminal heart failure!, him with complete macular degeneration!) the Health workers took the decision out of our hands, thus letting us be the 'good guys' while they played hard ball. Although it was brutally difficult for the first couple of weeks, setting in, it was, without doubt, the right decision.
Hoping for a good outcome for you all. XX
Gabby and I have Power of Attorney, so have some control. Thank you for your reassurance though. I know it's a hard path to walk.
DeleteProbably all useful advice has been posted. I am thankful the moving situation is career and financially motivated, saves you from the stress and friction I was imagining
ReplyDeleteYour daughters have been wonderful, and helpful, as best they can be it seems. Hopeful prayers sent for you all.
My children have and still are absolutely staunch and wonderful in their support. I didn't have a day off all the time they were growing up (I shall shelve my mid-life degree . . .) and now they are all stepping up to the mark.
DeleteI feel for you in this very difficult time. If help in the form of respite for both of you is reachable do take it.x
ReplyDeleteThank you Rachel. Family History is very distracting, and being in the past, when everything has already happened, it is quite comforting.
DeleteMy friend very reluctantly agreed to her mum going into respite care for three weeks so she could employ a new live-in-carer. Her mum was furious at the idea and upsetting things were said - on both sides.
ReplyDeleteThe existing carer had left suddenly.
Much to her surprise her mum enjoyed the new room, new friends, the food and the gentle care so she bit the bullet and very luckily managed to get her in permanently.
She can now visit daily, at mealtimes, coffee times and can take her for wheelchair walks.
She and her mum are less exhausted and she admits - friendlier towards each other!
Hello Yellow Shoes. Glad it worked out for your friend and her mum. As long as I can go for a walk or have a bit of gardening time, I can just about tick over at the moment.
DeleteYou'll do what's best for you all.
DeleteI wish you all the luck in the world. xxx
Hugs. I am sorry Emma couldn’t get her business going there. I hope Gemma tells them you are entirely on your own with caring for Keith. This may get them moving. More hugs.
ReplyDeleteGabby got sent off with a flea in her ear when she phoned the Social Worker to tell her the change of situation. She was onto different cases NOW.
DeleteCan I suggest that you request a Continuing Health Care assessment - this would escalate the finding of carers and is fully covered by the NHS - when I was in practice I often requested this and was rarely disappointed
ReplyDeleteMary