Digging deep

 

Here is our favourite photo of Keith, taken in 2000 when we were up in Scarborough on holiday.  He was 60 here, but still handsome.  I took half a dozen photos of the original, and cleaned the lens but can't get rid of that shadow at the top. Somehow I have to carry on without him, a day at a time.  I just want to talk to him, to tell him how much I love him and how much he is missed.

Tam and I haven't been coping very well.  We had questions about the end of life care regarding the drivers for the morphine, and how aware Keith would have been in those last few days.  I won't go into details but we were both in a very bad place in our heads. Rachel came out and was wonderful and said that Keith's body was already shutting down - that's why he didn't want to eat, struggled to drink and how hearing is the last sense to go so he would have been aware of us talking to him right to the end.  

I was downstairs at 5 a.m. yesterday, and began to bake to take my mind off everything.  I made some bran flour by putting porridge oats in the blender (saves spending silly money in the Health Food Shop to buy it ready ground), got it to dough stage in the bread maker and baked a lovely crusty loaf in the oven.  Then I went through the fridge to use up opened packets of cold meats and made a big Chicken and Ham pie for our evening meal, then got started on a new and very frugal recipe from Waitrose for Cheese Pastry Bean Parcels.   One can of Taco beans (and a small chopped onion) made 6.  I made two lots of cheese pastry using Cheddar cheese rather than the soft cheese that the Waitrose recipe used, and made little cheesy nibbles out of the remaining pastry.  Two got eaten at lunchtime (I am still struggling to eat) and the others have gone in the freezer.  I have stewed apples in the fridge which I will turn into Apple Gingerbread cakes today. One to eat, one to freeze.

Gabby is with me today.  Danny is down with E&I another day and comes home tomorrow night but he will soon be down there permanently.  Shadow cat has now gone (thank God).   Tam and Rosie will return tomorrow - they had to go home last night for clean baby and Tam clothes etc.  They don't want me to be alone just yet, bless them.

I'm going to go to the Tip with Gabby later.  Jon put the old freezer in the back of the car for me and we will be able to hoik it out between us.  Now I need to gird my loins and go into the stables and start clearing the stalls.  Keith kept all his useful bits of wood there - we have a challenge, but I will see if our new neighbour Ed can use any in doing up his cottage.  Keith would like that.  I daren't even think about his workshop and contents - goodness lad, if only you had put labels on your tins of nails, tacks, screws etc instead of telling me, oh it's on my workbench, 3rd tin down on the right!  He knew where everything was.  I will have to have a sort out and do a couple of car boot sales.

My new bus pass arrived yesterday, which was quick, so I can now travel free all across Wales.  Mind you, the further trips I'd love to do would take so long that they would be impossible there and back in a day but I can go to visit Gabby in Cardiff and Tam in Aberystwyth and that will be nice.

I am gradually working my way through the list I made of who I have to notify, what I have to cancel, etc.  The Funeral Director was here yesterday, and from the lovely Florist in the town, we have ordered one family wreath for Keith in nice bright colours, which he loved. 

I need to go and see a few friends of ours on the Militaria side to see if they will sell some of Keith's stock on my behalf.  I have the 2 day Antiques Fair on the showground down in town next month, so will see some of them there.  I've passed the word around other Antiques friends so that they know of Keith's death.  He was much loved and will be greatly missed.

Thank you all for your kind comments and thoughts.  I am sorry I cannot reply to them except in a group thankyou for the group hug.