Well, the weekend then got even worse and to cut a long story short - no more solids for Keith (not even rice pudding) and the ambulance crew found out he had a temperature and starting a chest infection, and he needed oxygen. He has refused to go into hospital so is on oxygen at home, and Amoxillin, but the GP will have to write a prescription for stronger anti-biotics today. I don't know where this will be going, if I am honest. I really struggled over the weekend. I just felt bludgeoned.
Somehow I forced myself to clean the bottom oven of the cooker, and make some simple biscuits (heart shaped) as a thank you to my next door neighbour for changing the water filter for me. That was the last push for normality yesterday morning.
I forced myself out for the slowest walk, just half a mile or so up to the barn and back. I looked at roses that needed dead-heading. I pulled out some grass from the cobbles. I rescued a big slow worm that Pippi had found, and was trying to escape her beneath the hosepipe. I was too late for the beautiful dragonfly I found dieing on the kitchen floor. That made me so sad.
A friend had noticed the ambulance in the vicinity and asked if it came here. She offered to help in any way, bless her. I am equally grateful for my friends down in the town, who I chat to daily. One cared for her husband so knows what it's like.
Keith, bless him, doesn't realize the state I'm in - he just spelt out I was trying too hard . . . Well, not really, just carrying out the care he needs daily - pills at regular intervals, ear drops, eye drops, Atropine drops, all at specific times. Just getting him higher up the bed without Danny here is such a struggle as the slidy sheet is quite something to tussle with. Getting him in and out of bed single-handed is a challenge. Obviously, we can't get him into Respite with a chest infection.
Thanks to everyone for your kind comments. I'm not really up to replying right now. I just have to keep on keeping on.
UPDATE: GP been out and persuaded Keith that we have reached the limit with what we can do for him at home, and that in order to have the feeding PEG he has to have the chest infection sorted. An ambulance will come for him later. I feel like the worst wife in the world because I was with her on insisting this happened, but I can imagine how he feels as he really didn't want to go back in. Now I have the 100 mile trip to Hereford and back daily, but at least I can rest afterwards.
It's totally understandable that you haven't time or energy to reply to comments. I wanted to say that recently I had a relatively short spell of caring for my mum in law following a hospital stay which was further complicated by her needing a temporary catheter and then developing an infection. It was a Very difficult time indeed and wore me out physically , mentally and emotionally.........What you are going through is so much worse and you are facing huge changes . Please be easy on yourself. God bless.
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
At least Keith does see how hard you are trying and working...hold on to that.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry things are getting more and more difficult for you. Rest when you can
ReplyDeleteWould that I was well enough to come and help. Right now you feel as if the world and then some is on your shoulders as your knees start to buckle and you run on auto pilot and fumes. Only those who have gone through this themselves fully understand. I have you on my prayer list and my Reiki distance healing and it is all I can do. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the update. I understand you saying you feel like the worst wife in the world because I have been there feeling I am the worst daughter in the world. It is only natural. We feel as if we have failed but we have not. On the contrary, you have gone above and beyond. There are many who would not have done a fraction of what you are doing. The only person who can't see this right now is you. In time you will know that you could not have kept up the pace. When Mum went into hospital, I was advised that there was no need for me to visit every day, but of course I did. I know you will do the same. If you can take a bus do so to take the load off you from driving. I used to use my time on the bus to just switch off completely. If someone offers to drive, don't refuse the offer!
DeleteRemember, you are being held in a blanket of love by all of us here.
It’s not easing any is it, you poor thing J x Even quick exchanges with others out of the home will be little boosts x Can one of them pop in for a cup of tea once a week? Or just to walk around the garden, anything to give a tiny break and chance to talk to someone different. Of course Keith knows you are trying but he- indeed- no one can ‘see’ what the emotional toll is on you. Constant worry, living in fear and with no chance to regather yourself isn’t ‘visible’. I know how heavy hidden things are to carry. I just send you all the peace in the world dear one I really do xx Danette
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry things have taken such a turn. I don't often comment but I've been reading along and it's been so hard *seeing* you being worn down to a nub with all that's been happening. You and Keith, both, have been terribly let down by your healthcare system (or lack thereof) - I do hope you can see that you've done absolutely everything humanly possible and don't take on the blame for him having to go back into hospital. Hopefully this latest admission will further drive home the need for more support for you both. Sending love and well-wishes...take good care of yourself. ~ Melanie
ReplyDeleteI know pretty much what you are feeling because I saw it all first hand with my Mum when Dad was finally admitted to the Hospice after Mum struggling at home for months. Her guilt was awful to watch but after a couple of days they both started to see the sense and feel better about the decision. Dad had a comfortable time once everything was managed and Mum did take the occasional day off from visiting, which actually took the pressure off both of them. I would suggest that you try to do the same if you feel able to. Sometimes being in the hands of professionals, and not being able to argue back is just what the patient needs to get on the right track.
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel guilty! You have faithfully dealt with months of intimate care--some very unpleasant but necessary tasks, trying to anticipate the next episode of choking or infection, trying to find ways to make Keith more comfortable as this dreadful illness continues to take its toll. I think a care facility was inevitable--I hope he can be transferred closer to home. I know sleeping well isn't your thing, but perhaps you can 'rest' without being constantly alert to Keith's needs.
ReplyDeleteThis is so very very hard for you. Such a grim situation .This was how it was for my father. After many months my mother and I did 3 weeks with no sleep, naps only, determined to do as we promised and keep him at home. Eventually we couldn’t cope and a hospice bed was found. I still wonder if we did the right thing, should we have conceded our failure to cope earlier? I’ll never know and can only offer a virtual hug and say that you’re amazing, truly amazing and one day you will see how wonderful you have been. Jill x
ReplyDeleteI think that it is best for right now. You all are at the ends of your rope at this point. I'm sorry it has all come to this, but I really do think that you made the right choice.
ReplyDeleteSending prayers.
ReplyDeleteI have felt of course that this would happen, as it happened to me. You have been such a wonderful staunch companion to Keith, that in no way should you feel guilt. It will be best for him to have the immediate care of hospital and for you to see that after he recovers he can come home. Gather your strength in this period and plan the way forward. Get someone to look after the cats and stay in Hereford for a couple of days for instance. xxx
ReplyDeleteAlthough I realise you would need to make arrangements for the cats and it would also be additional spending, would it be possible for you to stay a few nights somewhere in or nearer to Hereford to save the additional stress of all that driving? This would also mean you could have a few full night's sleeps. Pollie
ReplyDeleteYou should not, in any way feel guilty. If you aren't able to stay near the hospital, can you at least get someone to take you there a few times so that you get a chance to catch up from the weariness. And this time, if he is offered to be moved to a nearer hospital before coming home, I think you should agree. You need to recover yourself, or you will be ill as well.
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT the worst wife. I think you have been amazing caring for Keith this long. He will be better off in the hospital for now to get well. Hugs and love.
ReplyDeleteI can only echo what others have said before me. You have been amazing in caring for Keith and he realises this I am sure. Can you stay overnight in Hereford occasionally as that would save the drive. Does the hospital have relative accommodation, I know our local hospital has a house for relatives to use. Can you park nearer by a good bus route and save the agro of parking and driving in town? Take care of yourself and wish Keith well.
ReplyDeleteKeith is lucky to have you. You have been amazing. Really hope you can switch off and relax tonight. I know you are primed to be on high alert 24/7 since K last came home from hospital but this is your chance now to rest and recuperate for the next phase. With care home fees at £900 a week hereabouts what other choice do we have. Thinking of you BB. Sarah x
ReplyDeleteOh now you hush up, you are NOT the worst wife, you are the best! Hugs to you, and get some rest. I have been reading along from New York, and will be praying for you and for Keith.
ReplyDeleteDella
You've done so much to help Keith. Please do not feel guilty. I can understand how you feel, I felt similar when I was caring for my very ill sister. But you really are amazing! I hope the daily drive to/from hospital is not too much of a burden. Listen to music, podcasts or an audiobook.
ReplyDeleteI have been down to the city for a few days and was very frustrated my ipad wouldn't let me leave a comment. I'm thinking of you. Could you stay near the hospital for the four nights your son is at home? Does the hospital have accommodation for someone in your situation? My sister stayed in hospital accommodaton in London. It was basic but comfortable and met her needs at the time. The hospital social worker should have info on your options.
ReplyDeleteI hope you didn't have too long to wait for the ambulance and that you have managed some rest overnight. Remember you are a remarkably strong, resilient and amazing woman who has done more than her best. Let the professionals look after Keith to help him get through this infection.
ReplyDelete